“I know that I was already really dead. I know that I have no way back to life. Only he who was faithful to death was given the crown of life. I know that physical death is but a stage – the gate of the fourth kingdom!” (Lena, the owner of the palace / Leah Goldberg)
I have a part in it. An amount that is not mine, and at the same time, it is flesh and blood. It is located in my center. Right in the middle of the body, in the middle of the soul, in the middle of myself. This part lives in me like a foreign body.
Sometimes he is deaf, and sometimes he burns me from within.
When he wakes up, he takes everything from me. He draws all the energy he needs from me and all the oxygen I see. And it hurts and digests me. He grabs my heart like a fist and tightens his grip until the beats stop and the pain and anxiety spread throughout the body. Oh then, the breath is detached, and the soul is separated from the body and hovers into the space between life and death.
There lies the peace of eternity. There is no pain and no balm. There is completion, acceptance, and true peace. There I meet my soul mate—his pure soul and free from all the fear of my son. And our souls generate together. Celebrate and mingle with each other. Souls are made of a cloud of essence. There he becomes a part of me, and I am a part of him, and it is impossible to distinguish who I am and who he is. My love name for him is infinitely most tangible. I feel the infinity like an organ from my body. Like a foot and like a hand. The name of perpetuity is an understandable essence.
What is infinity? Infinity is a clear path visible in the distance. It is a sure knowledge of the future, of the way forward—a road without a bend, without an obstacle. Infinity is an answer without question.
After experiencing infinity, it is no longer possible to ask questions again. Returning from infinity to reality is never absolute. There will always live some of the infinity within the soul, in the body, in the consciousness. It is impossible to forget, it is impossible to avoid, and it is impossible to want and go back there. Despite its toothpick and the freedom it offers, infinity will never be the desire of the soul.
Infinity is an alternative to life, and the two can never walk together.
Life, for its pain, is a fleeting reality, and infinity is an eternal essence. They do not touch.
I discovered infinity somewhere in my early twenties. I first met him when terror and despair enveloped me and cut me off from life.
But for the first time I realized infinity years later as I sat by my toddler’s bed. Holding his hand and he was lying in his little bed, his body weak and very sick, breathing thin, loose breaths. And there was no god in the hands or hand of the healers to assist him.
Days and nights, I sat like that, not knowing if morning or night. I did not eat or drink. I did not ask or be answered. I just looked at him and watched how his soul separated from his body, and he was no longer one but two percent in a scorching cold. And suddenly disappeared from me. The thin bond that connected the two was severed, and I lost my son. Lost advice I turned so and so to find him and did not see him anywhere. And suddenly, a terrible grip, a fear of eternity and horrors, then peace. And there, the infinite space, I found it. His soul floats happy, and her freedom frolics her free. And there we met, swirling in our love, wrapping each other and moving together in perfect coordination.
“Captive,” I told him. “Return to reality. Pain for me. Choose the suffering of existence so that we can be together.” And he understood me. He knew what I was saying. And pity me. And saw my parrot and my weakness and my need for it. And without looking at the promise, he returned to his sick body. I came back and recovered. He opened his eyes and looked into my eyes, and we knew I owed him my life.
Every day is precious. Every moment is happiness. I won life. And I do not know what day it is or what time it is. It has no meaning for me. And I do not know what to ask for in the future or what was in the past. I know what’s right now. I see the path and my feet walking on it. And at the end of this road awaits me the infinity in which I will return and unite with the clear soul of my son for a journey of endless happiness and no turning away.