If in the past I had rebelled and paved my way myself, then today I find myself “grateful.”
And while you may think this is a spiritual ascent, I mostly find myself a prisoner in my gratitude. Imprisoned in a situation that requires me to thank from the bottom of my heart every person who devotes even one moment of his life to accept me or my family and our situation. “And what’s wrong with that?” Ask. Well, there’s nothing wrong with that, had it not been for the thanksgiving reaching to a ‘glass ceiling’ above my head.
Arrogance and humility have always been challenging matters for me. While I needed humility from my immediate environment, I always felt great superiority. The struggle between them confuses and frustrates me all my life. However, dealing with raising children and diving into the CF Ocean taught me humility. It can be said that for over a decade, I have been living in a reality where humility is more expressed than its arrogant sister. And because of that, I was happy about the welcome change. I did not think there was any problem or obstacle in this.
In recent years I have slowly, step by step, begun to make my way from being the afflicted slave of the disease to an independent woman who does not lower her eyes. And I own the degrees of independence, and here my legs are tied in a thick chain. I did not know the essence of that chain. Maybe this is the responsibility? Perhaps this is the commitment? And maybe that’s the blame? A long time and endless deliberations made me realize that I was imprisoned in a deceptive cage. He seems humble, but in fact, he is a cage of ‘gratitude’. It does not take much from a person to gain my gratitude. In fact, almost nothing is required. The very belief of a person worthy of my gratitude has already earned it for him. And I walked the world in a generously sized department from my basket of gratitude that never empties. I was so engrossed in generosity that I did not see that this preoccupation was taking up so much of my life and preventing me from moving forward.
Recently, I re-examined relationships and relationships whose only glue was my gratitude. And I was not surprised that when I stopped admitting, I became a not very popular and desirable personality. And even though I regret the loss of the connections, their disconnection today allows me to soar to heights I have not reached before.
Today, extreme gratitude is replaced by more straightforward appreciation and gratitude and sometimes (only sometimes) a little arrogance and satisfaction from my actions.
Today I see the sky open above me. The glass ceiling is removed without anger or frustration. My options for going out into the world are expanding, and I know today that I have a lot more to give and receive
Surprising summary: Despite all of the above, I make sure to find something to thank for every day and every opportunity. My days are full of thanksgiving.
I thank you for the privilege of waking up every morning for a new day.
I am grateful for my children, who fill my life with meaning.
I thank you to my family and friends.
I am thankful for my profession that allows me to do minor miracles every day anew.
I am thankful that my life is so diverse and interesting that I never have a terrible moment.
And in English, they say, “count your blesses.”